Joshua Daniel Wagner
(April 25, 1982 - July 8, 2001)

     Most of Josh's life was very different from his death. He lived surrounded by loving family and friends. He was kind in nature, gentle in spirit. He was an exquisitely tolerant young man - open to many different kinds of people and unusual experiences. He had a strong artistic, musical and creative sense; he loved playing the guitar, he dabbled in art and poetry.

Josh had a lot to express. He felt profound joy and excruciating pain, overwhelming tenderness and debilitating confusion. He very likely felt these and other states of mind to a greater extent than you and I do. This was a heavy and often destabilizing burden to carry within his soul, and sadly, it caused him to make some destructive choices.

I never met Josh but I listened intently as Joan, James, and Jordanna characterized him to me. Through their tears, they described a son and a brother who was sweet and appreciative, who attracted people wherever he went, who regretted any trouble he caused his family and friends. He was genuine, they told me, an all too rare quality in many people today. He liked to talk late into the night, to share opinions and ideas and to learn from and enjoy whomever happened to be around.

Rabbi Lawson, who is very sorry he can't be here today, told me that Josh's Judaism was very important to him. He prepared diligently for his Bar Mitzvah, he was an enthusiastic participant in Kabbalat Torah, he enjoyed his summers at Camp Swig . Joan confided that she once imagined Josh would make a wonderful rabbi not only because he connected with people so well but, having struggled himself, she believed, he could be a powerful example to other young people of how not to give up and how to overcome internal obstacles and, simply put, bad times.

Joan believes that in the end, Josh did not give up, that his demons simply overpowered his impulses for recovery. She and all members of Josh's family - James, Jordanna, Herb, Shawn and Stephanie, Mat and Rose - they each already miss him greatly, but I hope that they take some comfort in knowing that Josh knew they loved him, believed in him and will carry him with them for the rest of their lives.

In the biblical book of Joshua, God instructs Moses' successor, "Be strong and of good courage." I would like to think that is how our Joshua heard God's voice within him even and especially in his final days and hours on this earth. A few verses later, these words are repeated with a slight variation. The text says: "Surely be strong and courageous." I believe that today, these words are meant for Josh's family and friends, all of you who have gathered here to remember him with love and understanding. Be strong and very courageous as you face unanswerable questions and probing pain, loneliness and even fear. Be strong and very courageous but do not be afraid to mourn and grieve for what you lost in Josh is indeed a precious soul whose struggles now are over and who we can think of is resting in eternal peace.

Rabbi Lenore Bohm
July 10, 2001

Joshua (19) left us on July 8, 2001

May 20, 2002

Feeling lost without Josh - wondering what it is all about. His life was short, precious, a gift. Longing everyday, this day, for his touch. - the feel and smell of Josh.

Josh before heroin....sometimes hard to recall. Two different sons - the before and after. And now, only the after. How could a drug, a substance taken by choice, destroy my boy? At first a choice - clouded by countless other 'highs', and, then, no choice. An addiction - something I had always somehow feared for Josh. Now a reality, his destiny, his destruction - my choiceless future - his absence. I beg God, give me, him, us another chance. But nothing changes. It is done. Josh is lost to us. Physical separation only….impossible to comprehend, and, yet, the reality I face everyday. Everyday a show/ a performance called living - a hallow place where things must be done, work to do - things- to fill time/space - a world without my son. Pointless, and, yet, necessary. How to do it - it just happens, day in and day out. It doesn't stop - one day it will -life/death.

May 26, 2002

Unique, gentle, loving, troubled, sensitive, distant, warm, aloof. Never serious, comical, caring, dark, loving, tolerant, compassionate. Passionate, colorful, sad, sensual, childlike, unforgettable.

Josh was as close as you wanted him to be and as distant as he felt.

What happened?

How did life become so insufferable?

Why couldn't he let me in?

Sex, drugs, rock and roll. Troubled teen years. Confusion, experimentation, and always searching. Looking for answers, love, identity and, yes, something to ease the pain. Heroin.

Did Josh leave us something? Yes, a memory a beautiful young man. A loving, trusting soul and friend to all. And a legacy about life - and the crossing of the fine line on which we all walk…of the looking into the abyss and falling in. The forced control - the allusion - and the realization of our lack of it. Letting go, drowning, dying.

Josh's soul lives on. His spirit is indestructible. His memory a blessing. His life a lesson.

If you are or know someone using drugs, remember my son. Josh would tell you that it wasn't worth it. Our loss is greater than his high. Our sorrow a daily reminder of how precious he is and much is he is missed.

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Welcome to the world Josh. You came through my body and into this world on April 25, 1982 . Longed for and loved from the beginning. A beautiful, wonderful boy. A son. My son. Place on my chest after an arduous labor. An unforgettable moment. One eye still shut, the other open - green, spectacular, ominous, almost frightening. A look that said we have met before. But where? Silly. No. A secret beyond our comprehension. A key to the past. It was no chance that you were born to me - that I would give birth to you. What does it mean? What were we supposed learn?

Josh I miss you,
The enduring pain of facing each without your physical presence is briefly interrupted by memories that bring a smile to my face - although veiled with tears, my heart responds with warm acknowledgement of the joy and happiness you have given to me. Gifts that make up the essence of me. Through these memories, you live in me and are all around me everyday…until the day we are together again.

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