Jennifer

    Jennifer was a star that came to us on May 14, 1977 . She was the most beautiful child with curly hair that sparkled in the sun. From grade school and all the way until high school Jennifer flew through the air as a gymnast. Her favorite event was the bars. Once she entered high school she moved on to the high school marching band flag team. She also joined the Velvet Knights Drum and Bugle Corps and traveled the country each summer for 3 years. She graduated high school with honors and went on to receive her Bachelors degree at Loyola Marymount University .

     Jennifer was a soul with two sides. Jennifer was also a rebel in conflict. She was strong willed, independent and had her own way of doing things. She drifted into a life that seemed to take a hold and not let go. She tried so hard to break away.

     Above is part of what was written at her Celebration of Life service that I had to plan. What mother ever thinks that their beautiful 28 year old daughter would die from a drug overdose?

     Jennifer came from a pretty typical middle class family. She was an only child, the first granddaughter and very loved and spoiled. She was extremely bright and excelled in all of her classes throughout her education. Unfortunately the illness of addiction ran on both sides of her family. Her dad and I tried to educate her about drugs and alcohol but Jennifer started smoking marijuana and taking speed at age 15. At 16 she was experimenting with speed and acid until she had a seizure and it scared her so much that she quit for a while. When she got her own car, she and her friends started driving to teen clubs and rave parties. As parents her dad and I were not blind to her change in personality, behavior and friends.

    Jennifer always felt her drug addition was under control. When she woke up one morning to find that her roommate died of a heroin overdose on the couch she said "Mom, you will never have to worry about me doing that." She spent 8 years in a methadone program trying to stay off of heroin. She also told me how terrified she was to be clean, to feel her emotions without any drug to help. As a mother what do you say? You are desperate to help your daughter and you are terrified that something awful might happen. You try to convince her to speak to the counselors at the clinic. You pay for her to go into rehab twice. She walked out twice. I used to call her every day and jokingly say I'm calling to make sure you are ok and alive today. She would laugh.

    Jennifer and I were best friends and she would tell me everything. There were times when I really just didn't want to know. I may not have liked what she was telling me but I always made sure that I ended every conversation we had by saying I love you. And I feel somewhat comforted because those are the last words I ever said to her and the last words she heard from me.

     About 6 months before she died Jennifer started drinking. She talked herself into thinking that it would be easier to substitute alcohol for heroin and then get off of alcohol. Obviously I questioned this logic. You watch your child (even at 28 years old, she was my child) and feel helpless. Thus began a spiral downhill. Jennifer was taking methadone, slipping in heroin once in a while and drinking. Her last evening was spent drinking and having that one last high on heroin. She didn't plan on dying that night; she just wanted to get high. The next morning you get a phone call from the hospital calling about your daughter. They tell you it is very, very serious. And, you don't work at a hospital for 20 years and not know what they are saying. You ask over and over again if she is alive and all they continue to say is "It is very serious".

    That was the day a piece of my heart died. I have a big gaping hole and the pain is so horrible I don't know how I will get out of bed or get through the day. You spend hours thinking about the what ifs and feeling guilty. Why couldn't I save my daughter, why couldn't I help her? She had all of the tools: a loving family, a good education, information about drugs and its dangers but it was not enough. She had an illness that was just too hard to overcome.

    The more I reach out to find support from parents like me the more I learn just how widespread a problem drug addiction is. If telling Jennifer's story can open the eyes of just one teen to its dangers then Jennifer is still here, that bright shinning star.